Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Consent Is Everything

I just read an article about consent on the internet. . . and well, I appreciate the logic of the whole metaphor.  I really do.  I, however, cannot post the link to it without a disclaimer for the language.  I cannot claim to have thought of this on my own, so therefore, be aware that the language in the article is GRAPHIC.  I will try to paraphrase for the timid so you are not offended.  Just want to give credit where it is due.  Again I did not think of this analogy.  But I think more should be taught to our sons and daughters especially in today's whacked out world, that when you ask a question there are AT LEAST two perfectly acceptable answers.  Yes.  and No.

Okay before I get into this article let's unpack this concept for a moment.

For the ladies:
How many times have you asked your spouse/bf/so (significant other) to do something when you really didn't mean for them to answer?  You asked it in the form of a question almost like the answers on Jeopardy.  It's in the form of a question . . .  but it is definitely NOT a question.

For example:  Will you watch the baby while I grab a quick shower?  Is A. Not really a question and B. doesn't even require the person to respond.  It is in the form of a question to be polite.  But what you are really saying is, "Hey I AM grabbing a quick shower and it IS your responsibility for the next 5.9 minutes to watch the expression of our love aka: our child.  Please pay attention because in the next very short (because I am practically an Olympian shower taker now days) minutes you are solely responsible if this child dies!"

For the guys:
Okay, I don't really know . . . oh wait!  When a guy wants to have sex?  Somehow our twisted world has them believing that THIS is also NOT a question.  Maybe it is the way they are made  . . . but is that really a good answer to this problem?  I think this particular article says it very well.

As I stated before I will paraphrase to compensate for the foul language in the article.

Basically it is fairly easy to find out if the person you are having "sexy times" with is consenting to this or not.  The way it was explained was using an ice cream analogy:


You say “Hey, would you like some ice cream?”
They say "OMG!  Yes! I would love some ice cream.  Thank you!"
Then you know for sure they want ice cream.

You say "Hey, would you like some ice cream?"
They say "Um and uhhh and I'm not really sure . . ."
Then you can make them some ice cream but be aware that they might not eat it.  Then if they don't eat it -- this is important -- you do NOT make them eat ice cream!  You can't blame them because you went to the trouble of making them some ice cream on the chance that they wanted it.  You just have to deal with them not eating it.  Just because you made the ice cream doesn't mean you are entitled to watch them eat it.
You say "Hey, would you like some ice cream?"
They say "No thank you."
Then do NOT make them ice cream.  At all.  Don't make them ice cream, don't make them eat ice cream, don't get annoyed at them for not wanting ice cream.  They just don't want ice cream, ok?

You say "Hey, would you like some ice cream?"
They say "Yes please, that's kind of you."
Then when the ice cream arrives they actually don't want the ice cream at all.  Sure, that's kind of annoying as you've gone to the effort of scooping it out and setting it in a cone or cup.  But they are under no obligation to eat the ice cream.  They did want ice cream, now they don't.  Sometimes people change their mind in the time it takes to scoop the ice cream, and add the toppings.  And it's okay for people to change their mind, and you are NOT entitled to watch them eat ice cream even though you went to all the trouble of making it.
If they are unconscious, do NOT make them ice cream.  Unconscious people do NOT want ice cream and can't answer the question "Would you like some ice cream?" because they are unconscious.

Okay, maybe they were conscious when you asked them if they wanted ice cream, and they said yes, but in the time it took to go to the freezer and scoop out that rock solid ice cream and add all those toppings now they are unconscious.  You should put the ice cream back in the freezer, make sure the unconscious person is safe, and -- this is important -- don't make them eat ice cream.  They said yes, I know, but unconscious people don't want ice cream, ever.

If someone said yes to ice cream, started eating it, and then passed out before they'd finished it, do NOT keep feeding them ice cream.  Take the ice cream away and make sure they are safe.  Because unconscious people do NOT want ice cream.  Trust me on this.

If someone said "yes" to ice cream at your house last Saturday night, that doesn't mean that they want you to make them ice cream all the time.  They don't want you to unexpectedly come over and make them ice cream and force them to eat it saying, "But you wanted ice cream last week." Or wake up to find ice cream being fed to them while you say, "But you wanted ice cream last night."
Of course, you wouldn't try to force feed someone ice cream, it's ridiculous, just because they said they wanted ice cream last week.  Of course, you wouldn't spoon feed ice cream to an unconscious person because they said yes to ice cream 5 minutes ago when they were conscious.

If you can understand how completely ludicrous it is to force people to have ice cream when they don't want ice cream, and you are able to understand when people don't want ice cream then how hard is it to understand when it comes to sex?
Whether it's ice cream or sex . . . . Consent Is Everything.
Credit:  http://rockstardinosaurpirateprincess.com/2015/03/02/consent-not-actually-that-complicated/
Thank you rock star dinosaur pirate princess for this analogy.  It does make a lot of sense.  I was not trying to plagiarize your work.  Just "PC"'ing it up for my blog. . . this is a PG rated station.  Just sayin'
I still think it goes back to the problem with statements in the form of a question. Maybe it is too much Jeopardy, or maybe it is because this is the example we have given our children how to deal with each other in relationships.   Either way it has to stop.   We really have to use our communication correctly in our relationships.
If you want to ask a question . . . realize that there are AT LEAST two possible answers to a question.  If that is not what you meant, you should state your question as a statement and not a question.  
My point is if you ask a question be aware that a perfectly acceptable answer to a question is "No."  
"No." doesn't mean "Get bent." It just means "No."  It doesn't even mean "Never." It's just means, "No." We need to say what we mean as well as mean what we say.  I think there will be way less confusion whether it's ice cream or "sexy times" if we make this a practice in our homes.  
I'm not a follower of the idea that it is more lady like to say that you are "Fine." when you are definitely NOT FINE.  Or to say that you don't want something that you obviously want.  Anymore than it is lady like to say that you want something that you definitely do NOT want.  I say to tell the truth.  Make sure that the other person in your relationship knows that these are the rules you abide under so they are on the same page with you.
* END RANT *
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