Monday, March 12, 2012

i'm sorry just doesn't seem like enough

I guess most of you know by now, that Mrs. Claus (at least this one) does not live at the North Pole.  I live in SW Arkansas and many of you may not be aware of this but Arkansas is the highest ranked state for divorce (after Nevada . . . ie: Las Vegas).  So . . .

I don't know about you or the area where you live  . . . but I know a LOT of people who are getting divorced, in the middle of a separation or who have been divorced.  And honestly, it is breaking my heart.  

I do NOT know what to tell these people.  

I do NOT know what to say to them. 

I hug them . . . and I say, "I'm so sorry."  

(because I am)

I say, "It will be okay. . . 

but not yet, not yet."

These words fall to the ground like lead balloons.   .  .  

I try to imagine what these women and men are going through and it's gut-wrenching.  It seriously breaks my heart.  

Society says, "If he cheats on you . . .key his car."

"If she cheats on you  . . . cheat on her."

"If you are unhappy . . . find someone who makes you happy."

"If he doesn't like your kids. . . . divorce him, because it will hurt them.  You gotta think of your kids first."

and on and on and on  .. . 

That's not the way God intended it. 

I am a divorced person.  So I know what it feels like. . . I'm not rambling on and on about something I know nothing about.

When I left/divorced my first husband, I was so miserable I didn't really know what was happening.  I was fooled into believing that once you get married (walk down the aisle in church) God would bless you and everything would be great.  

Unfortunately, there was not enough information out there about how to choose wisely BEFORE you walked down the aisle. 

A lot of the problems my first husband and I experienced were due to circumstances and I believe that is what hurts many marriages today.  I am not trying to escape blame, I know I could have done things to make my marriage better, but the circumstances my ex-husband faced changed him in ways I never could have imagined as a young 18 year old bride.  My ex-husband was a prison guard in Germany for the first year we were married, and the circumstances of that alone changed him.  This followed by a problem with alcohol followed by a problem with anger followed by a problem . . . well, you get the idea.

I am so afraid that a lot of young brides do not fully understand that circumstances are going to happen to you and there is no "happily ever after" . . . until we are with Jesus in the Kingdom of heaven.  

Another common complaint is some spouse's absolute most love is not enough for the other spouse.  A husband can love his wife with all his heart and still not be what his wife wants in a spouse.  Does that make sense?  Some people when they give their heart it's not what the other person wanted.  It's kind of like getting a gift on Christmas, and it's nice, but it's just not what you really wanted.  Even though the person who is giving the gift sacrificed a lot to get the gift for you, it still falls short.  It's kind of like that.  My ex-husband told everyone and I mean EVERYONE that he loved me with all his heart . . . but that's not what he told me.  The things he said to me and the way he treated me did not equal love in my opinion.  So the gift of his "heart" fell short because it was not backed up with "love actions".

Many times the love that you offer your spouse is not your "whole love".  You may love a person with romantic, deep-rooted love.  It may even be the MOST love you have ever felt, but without the commitment (or an action), giving your "whole self" to the relationship . . . well, it's just flowery talk or empty promises.

The promises you make in church, on your wedding day do not get proven until the actions of your life and your reaction to circumstances PROVE the promises.

The promise "in sickness and in health" does not get proven until the doctor tells you your husband had a heart attack or until one of you is unable to have children.

The promise "for better or for worse" does not get proven until your husband is transferred and you have to move your entire family or your wife cheats on you.

The promise "to love and honor" does not get proven until one of you becomes depressed.

The promise "till death do you part" does not get proven until one of you dies.

These are all the promises of marriage, but they are only words until actions prove them out.

Marriage is hard.  Life is hard.

Happiness is not found in another person.  

Happiness or joy, rather, is only found in God, through His son Jesus Christ!  

I don't know how else to say it.  

Believing in and seeking an ongoing relationship with Jesus Christ should be the FIRST thing you do before you tie your life to another person.  If you haven't done this . . . click on the "Love like Jesus" button at the top of this blog for more information about how you can have a life

like Christmas every day!

But it still leaves me with a burning question . . . .

The Bible says that divorce is wrong, but what can you say to people who are facing divorce.  

How can you help the abused woman who seriously needs to leave her husband? 

What do you say to the husband whose wife is addicted to drugs?  

Irreconcilable differences isn't just some legal mumbo jumbo, it's real.  These problems married couples face are real and to them divorce is the only way.  I know when I got divorced I couldn't see any other way out of my situation.

I know there is no "magic" word or phrase that will make it all better, but there has to be something you can say to help, right?

What do YOU say?


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  1. I was a lay counselor for many years at my church. I will never suggest divorce as an option unless there is physical or debilitating mental abuse going on. That being said, if someone has already decided to divorce, I have two options. If it's petty, I will give them a pep talk and try to show them how they may regret this one day. If it's serious, like drug use/alcohol abuse in a spouse, I will support their decision and try to point them to as much help as possible in putting themselves and their kids (if applicable) back together. I will also talk to them about forgiveness and that it is a vital part of the dissolution of a relationship. Each situation is different so I can't give you a pat answer. I know that divorce seems unscriptural, but I also know that sometimes it is the safest, healthiest answer.

  2. I don't know, it is so hard. All I can do is offer a shoulder to cry on. My bother is in the process of a divorce. Marriage is hard, but so many things in life that are worth it are hard.

  3. That is such a hard topic ... something that i'm currently facing so it hits deep with me. I have so many mixed feelings with it but all I can do is leave it to God and know that everything will be okay!


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